Onward

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what changes I would like to make in my life. I suppose I'm not unlike everyone else in the world whose thoughts are turned toward resolution. I have the usual aspirations to spend more quality time with each of my girls, exercise, eat more healthy foods, keep a cleaner house...

But more importantly, my thoughts have been dwelling on the state of my spiritual well being. I have been neglecting my spiritual health for far too long and I know that as much as I work on other aspects of my life, it does no good if I am merely dragging my soul along for the ride.

Many of you know the tragedy that struck in our friend's lives over a year ago. It was a terrible loss that made me question the very nature of the God that I had pledged to serve. It's almost nauseating... to question the trustworthiness of the One who must be trusted in exchange for eternal salvation. For a time, the only words that I could fling in God's direction were, "How could you?"

Last February, after experiencing the joy of welcoming my friend's son into the world, I felt my heart softening and was inspired to write this:

"I have faith that some day I'll be okay with God again. I know that he is patiently waiting for my human mind to stop attempting to wrap itself around his intentions and submit to his sovereignty. I know that some day I'll be able to stand in his presence and worship without reservation, that I'll once again be able to pray with the knowledge that his will is good and perfect. I don't know how long it will take me to get to that point, but I do know this: I am bound to these women in a way that only sharing in the deepest tragedy and the greatest joy can bring. When God seems far away, still I know that these friendships are his precious gifts. The love I feel given so freely from my friends originates from my creator, he is loving me in a way that feels safe to me in this time. And for that I am truly grateful."

It's been a long and eventful year. But slowly, mercifully, I have felt my heart turning once again toward my maker. I have been reminded that we do not live in a world that exists as it was created to be. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God hates sin and the effect that sin has on this world. The words of Hebrews 4, "We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize..." have been marching around in my mind, doing their best to crowd out the thoughts of doubt that have been dominating my awareness.

I still feel as if I am limping along, convalescing perhaps. It's as though I've made it through the initial crisis and now have to do the work of rehabilitation. Where once I eagerly reached for my bible it now remains largely an act of determination to open its pages. The words of the song, "Going through the motions," haunt me. I've lived nearly 20 years as a child of the King and I feel many days as though I'm but a shadow of the woman God intends me to be.

My most earnest prayer is that this time in my life will be a turning point. May I someday look back at the darkness that has encompassed me and be able to say that I emerged a more tender, more committed, more compassionate follower of Christ.